I started this note to myself 8 times today, wondering if it was a good reason to put this out here. I started to think, “Ada no-one cares about sob stories, they only want stories that tickles their privates. 😏😏. Anyway, in my usual fashion, I decided to do it anyways; because my reason for starting this page was to vent, to speak my truth, to let it out and there’s no way I’d stop now, this page was to help me get better, but I haven’t, I’ve experienced a decline in recent times, (which is normal) fucking anything and everything including my Teddy bear (I use protection, so hold that thought) just to scratch that itch. Yesterday I sat still for a minute and I felt my head would explode, I couldn’t stop thinking, wouldn’t stop thinking… What was I thinking about, I cannot say. My thoughts bounced around like light does off a reflective panel.
“why am I like this”, “why do i use sex as my avenue to heal”, why is it that when I think of a man, I do not worry about what type of man he is but rather how he is in bed?
This was a dysfunctional way of thought and I knew this but I could not help myself or can i?
I am a born overthinker, my thoughts, opinions, assumptions, connotations all work at the same time, trying to stop them is tantamount to a literal explosion in my head.
Suffering from mental health issues wasn’t my fault, I didn’t choose it, it just happened. I woke up one day and it was there, the constant depression like the sun, always present, tearing away at my soul bit by bit, nagging me, nudging me to end it all.
Who would you talk to when everyone makes it seem like “you are such a cry baby”
“Grow up” – they say..
“you should even be grateful, you have it better than most” – they’ll continue.. “pretend it doesn’t hurt” – one said..
“keep quiet and take the pain, such is life”
And so I began to ask myself the one question that mattered;
“How did you get to this point” – it was the most pertinent question of all, the one that probed my heart and if there’s anything I have learned, it’s that, 85% of the time, we are the architects of our own destruction.
Searching through my brain’s archives… no, that’s not it… Not that either… No, this is still not the reason… This isnt it also… SEARCH DEEPER… and the search continued.. Until like a light bulb switched on at night, it came to me, sitting there, hands folded across its legs, head tucked into its knees, the reason came to me.
I shut down, afraid of the truth… Gently saying… No, it can’t be true… This can’t possibly be true… I opened my eyes, afraid to shut it because then it would force me to confront myself and what I had done..
I tried to sleep, but i was so scared, all the years of pain and trouble came rushing at me, poking me… I could hear the chants from my conscience, my sub-concious, my heart, my mind, my soul and my body “wicked girl”, you put us through this”, “we blame you completely”, “it’s all your fault” ” go suck a dick”, ” that’s all you are good for either ways”, “wicked girl”, “shame on you”, “fat bitch”, “you fat ugly bitch”..
I put my hand across my head, trying to stifle the silent screams…
It was futile, completely futile
I screamed; shutting my eyes in the process, and it grabbed me.
It Held my head and forced me to confront my truth.
The reason laughed at me, like it was a person, making me watch how my decisions have affected me, how I all but self – destruct, I begged, cried and screamed for it to stop.
When I opened my eyes, I understood how I got here and I’ll tell you.
I trained my mind to not think that I was good at anything even if everyone said I was, I had planted SELF DOUBT in my head, nurtured it, cared for it like a child, simply because I truly believed that I wasn’t good at anything.
I tried to paint the self doubt tag on not receiving enough compliments or how people were quick to recant their nice words to me when it didn’t go their way but No, I did this to myself. I told myself I did not deserve anything good and I stayed in hell, because to me, heaven was not a permanent place. All my life, my “heavens” have been fleeting, temporary like water going down a drain. I let everything that had happened to me happen, because I thought I deserved it.
And self doubt was like a thousand year old tree, it’s roots were deeply planted and its seeds of depression were busy germinating..
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