I suffer from a vacuous need to love and I usually mostly just delve into anything that even has the prospects of love. I don’t know where the line for love ends and obsession begins. I am passionate, ruthlessly passionate and so many times I try to hide it because God forbid that you show any type of emotion in this generation.
A couple of years ago, I was hit in the head and face repeatedly by someone I thought cared about me, the beating didn’t hurt as much as the hate that flowed from his eyes the more I cried, apparently crying was wrong too. I am supposed to be stoic.
At first, he would drag me from the bed to the floor all in a bid to stamp his authority and I would let it, because I was wrong, I was always wrong. I keep my circle small and the friends in that circle to only the number I can count on one hand because the more people I had around me, the more my flaws would come to bare. “Go to the floor, that’s where you sleep today” -he would say, it reminded me of an old time in the place where I grew up where this type of bizarre commands used to be the occurrence everyday.
Me and my aunt subjected to the cold hard floor, while the man sleeps soundly in bed, no atom of remorse or thought all because he needs to shows who’s boss.
I stayed because I didn’t think I deserved any better, like look at me. I’m fat, had a stomach that seemed like it had birthed 5 children, a round face with swollen cheeks. I killed my self esteem, I let it die everyday with every lie I told myself about how “WRONG” I always am… So while he hit me, i smiled instead, accepting the fate that was to come, the doom I was sure I led myself into. I accepted it, bidding, waiting, taking the slaps and hair drag like a punching bag, my hand covering my face as much as it can. “come here, come here” – he would drag me, trying to peel my hands away from my face so he could hit me some more…but yet I stayed and still I loved…. If you have been reading this and are currently experiencing any of this, pain is not love and love can never be pain. LEAVE NOW!
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