So last weekend, I called my friend who just recently got married to ask for her new address so I can come say hello to her and her husband, since I was unable to attend the wedding.
She said, she’s at her mum’s place and I should meet her there, I noticed that the way she spoke didn’t necessarily spell excitement and I made plans to keep my visit short so as not to become a burden. About an hour later, I was in her house… “floxy floxy, the latest Mrs in town” I was singing her praises, my voice announcing my presence to all her neighbours. I forgot my glasses at home so i didn’t see the bruises (note to self, never leave your glasses at home). “Jesus” – I exclaimed, the moment I got close to her. Flo, what happened, why didn’t you tell me you had an accident? – I asked, holding her by the shoulder, conveying my worry subtly.
“Ada Let’s sit in the car” – She said. I held her by the hand, worry engulfing me, did her husband do this? No it can’t be? The marriage is less than 2 weeks old. I was asking and answering questions in my head.
We sat in the car and she burst into tears, i didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t hold her, I was perplexed. “Flo what’s wrong” – I asked, my worry level reaching a climax.
“Akin beat me Ada, beat me because of another girl” – she said amidst tears.
“what happened?How? Why?”
“He had been acting dodgy, going outside to answer calls so I went through his phone and saw him arranging with some girl to meet. He complained about sex with me, I asked what exactly was wrong, he said he doesn’t know, this was three days after the wedding”..
I listened with rapt attention, while she spoke.
“when I asked him who the girl was, he turned on me, shouting that why would I go through his phone, i was mad, instead of him to apologise for the rubbish he did, he’s mad at me for going through his phone. He was shouting and next thing you know, he started beating me, the more I begged, the more he hit me,look at my body” – she said and pointed to
I held back the tears gathering in my eyes; my heart pounding as she spoke. Now she’s back home, because he left the house for over 4 days and has not bothered to call to apologise. When she tried to call him, he ended the call. She called his mother and she said she has heard from him and her advise was that flo should apologise to him, in her words “in yourubaland, women don’t question their husband, women respect their husbands and do everything their husbands tell them, yoruba men value respect more than anything”.
Her mum also thinks she should go and beg her husband and all these one sided advice has overwhelmed her.
The mother keeps hanging on the fact that she warned her that igbos and yorubas don’t match but she went ahead either ways and as such she must bear the consequences.
After she was done speaking, I held her and didn’t say a word. Sometimes, a person in pain requires empathy and distraction not strategy.
My problem now is, why are most African parents subconscious supporters of violence:
“you chose someone outside our tribe, you must bear the burden alone”, he’s your husband, you must be submissive at all times”. So many victims of domestic violence were killed by their own families not their spouse, because they would have complained at some point and everyone would go on the “respect your husband rant”, “you can’t be a divorcee, who will marry you rant”
At what point do African parents tell you enough is enough, is it when you die?
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