“I’m at your door Ada, open up, I know you ain’t ready ,you lying bitch” -My friend eyum barked into the receiver.
I giggled because this confirmed that she knows me.
I opened the door and she flung her bag in my face “you see you, I knew it… but wait Ada, what is it with you and lateness, why don’t you ever,ever get ready on time?” – She asked. I couldn’t answer, as far as I was concerned, she was asking a rhetorical question. “Five minutes, just let me apply this mascara and I’ll be done jor, haba, is it this small lateness ,you are giving me hell for? – I laughed as I spoke. “Not funny babe, I can’t be late to my own party”- She looked serious this time so I hurried.
I grabbed the red dress I had kept on the chair and threw that on, then ran to my room to search for my shoes.
As i searched for them, i began to wonder, what was my reason for being perpetually late. Was I overestimating my ability to dress up quickly? Why did I always wait till the last minute before dressing up or even taking my bath? Truth be told, I don’t know why, I would keep watching a movie at 1:30 when I know I have to be somewhere else at 2pm. “BABE OOOO, PITY ME NA, WHAT THE FUCK” – She yelled, obviously getting agitated. “I’m done, I’m done” – I said as I rushed into the living room and we left for the party.

Click,clack, click clack, the sound of my heels reverberated around the well lit restaurant.
A colour faceted flower vase that had a wavy motif and a bunch of faux flowers made me swoon and I pointed it out to my friend. “Good evening


“Ada you need to join a dating site as a social experiment, we are releasing our app soon and we need to know what is out there in the market and how to upgrade” – Doro, my partner said. “Why me?” – I asked, my hands spread wide open. “Because you are a girl and you are eye-catchyish” – he said, his face registering a wide smile. “what the fuck is catchyish, so I’m not really eye-catchy, I’m somewhere in between… “ – I paused and continued – “This is why I killed one man in 1896, he used the exact same word catchyish. We both burst into laughter.
Later that day, I am on a popular dating app, swiping left, left, left, left x one thousand…. then one right. I was completely appalled by the laziness and entitlement of people, some people actually expect you to swipe right to a quote image and no bio, SERIOUSLY???? One thousand scrolls in, I see this guy, bio was witty, it read – “6.7 tall, Venture capitalist, been told, I make great noodles but I think that girl was just very hungry at that moment. At least be 5.7 & above so it’s not awkward”

Ouuuu, shade thrown, I swipe right and he sends a message almost immediately. “You seem rather eclectic” – the message read. “You tall racist” – I replied and continued typing. “We the short people take your bio as a call to war on us, how would you like to die? You freaking tall tribalist” “Lmao, how tall are you?” – TJ asks. “5.4” – I replied. “Ohh you are short, short, you do look interesting though”- he says “THIS IS SPARTAAAAA!!, nobody calls me short, I am Average height!!” – I replied. “you are killing me babe; I literally imagined minions around me trying to kill me when I saw the Sparta line”- he said. “Haa TJ, you’ll be the first to go down, just wait, my goons are coming”- I typed. “Please give me your number, I’m rarely here, I would like to know what you sound like, at least it will be easier for you to kill me over the phone, no?”- TJ said. “0-VII-0-III-VI-IX-III-IX-IV-III-I” – I replied.

“You see what they say about short people, always bringing trouble, I knew you’d be trouble, I could tell the moment I saw your picture, who on earth gives out roman numerals, where are we, did world time reset to 325BC and I am somehow unaware?”- TJ asked.
I replied with laughing emojis and logged out.
My phone was ringing as I stepped out of the bathroom, it was an unknown number, I picked the call “took you long enough, that’s the problem with tall people because they have so much body mass, their brain takes longer to boot” – I said
TJ burst out laughing – “gosh how do you come up with these things” – he said amidst the laughter. “it’s a special gift reserved for short people” – I replied.
We made small talk for a while and then agreed to meet after work the next day.

There was a popular lounge by the water close to my office, it seemed like a better option than having to travel miles just to meet this tall racist. At 4 pm, I dialled his number: “Hey, how are ya” – I said. “Hello, her roman empress” – his husky voice said. it had a drawl to it and a tiny tinge of pride. “We can meet at The cove lounge if that’s okay with you” – I said. “yes what time” – he responded. ‘how does 6 pm sound?” – I said “cool see you then” – he replied and hung up.
At 6 pm, I walked to the lounge and found a dimly lit corner to sit, I have always preferred the dark even though I was scared of it. It was familiar and it suits my personality better, my phone rang and I was struggling to get it out of my bag. “Hello, hello”- I said, seemingly out of breath. What is it with women and big bags and plenty items we don’t need, like someone please tell me what the fuck I need a hairbrush for when I have braids on? Maybe that’s why our lives are so shitty, we can’t even declutter our handbags and decide what items we need, how then can we decide which men are good for us. It’s the little things, the LITTLE things… “Hey, I’m here” – he said and continued “where are you?”. “errmm, I’m actually here too, I am closer to the door under the shade. – I responded. “uhmmm, I think you should come forward and let’s stay closer to the stage.

“uhmmm, I think you should come forward and let’s stay closer to the stage. Should I come get you? “ – he asked

Ohhh fuck- I thought, this nigga actually chose the brightest place in the room to sit, I hate this, I prefer the dark, I like to be at events and nobody can tell if I came, it never works because according to my best friend, I am a “Yallow PawPaw” “ok come get me” – I said as I got up and began to take baby steps towards the stage area. The problem with anxiety is that it never shuts up, it makes you feel like the world is looking at you while you are taking a shit in public.
I look up and there he was – a “yellower paw-paw” long like a highrise building, dressed in all black and this mysterious smile on his face. I’m watching this man crouch low… “wait wait wait, who are you trying to embarrass, dudddddeeeee, let’s sit down and we can hug when we are the same height” – I said and quickly walked away. I could hear him laughing behind me but I was already seated and pretending to read the menu. “How are you” – he said.
I could see him clearly now, the features of his face were softer than his pictures portrayed, he smiled at me and I smiled back. “oh my god, you wear glasses?” – he asked he was laughing, mocking me “ohh go fuck yourself” – I said. “feisty much?” – TJ said and continued, “so tell me what is it you do again?” “I work?” – my answer was rhetorical. I suck at talking about myself, I enjoyed listening to people’s stories. “I know you work Ada, what kind of work you crazy girl” – He said, his eyes fixed on me like he could my soul.
Why are you looking at me that way?” – I said, his look was unsettling. “I’m taking you in, its what I do, even for work… I like to hear the things… see the things you don’t say. you know as a VC, it’s easier for business owners to tell you what they think you want to hear just so you can invest in their business, but I see what they don’t say and that helps me make a decision on whether to invest or not. I take people in, it’s an old habit…. so yea, I’m taking you in” – TJ responded.

His voice sounded exactly like it did on the phone, I was prepared for that, what I didn’t anticipate were his eyes, they were exactly like mine. I’ve been told, I make people uncomfortable when I stare at them, TJ did the same to me.
As we talked about life, our careers, family, I would occasionally stare at him, he was such a beautiful man. When I stare, he would stare back. it was like….felt like we were making love to each other’s minds. We wanted each other, The shisha we ordered came in and we were both drinking and smoking and having a good time.
One time, we stopped, did nothing for two whole minutes except stare into each other’s eyes, it was electric, we were saying so much but our mouths never moved. TJ broke the long gaze when he said’ “I know two things about you Ada” – He said.
yea yea yea, everyone always think they know me, know something about me, I love to hear it, their little tiny theories about who, what they think I am and I love to see the look on their faces when I turn out to be the exact opposite. It’s for lack of a better word exhilarating. “pray tell, master” – I said, my hand bound together. “One, you are a control freak…and I don’t mean that in the way you think, you want everything in your life to be defined, you hate things you are unsure of and it causes you to lash out. If you are unsure or it’s not going the way you want it to, you freak out. You like mysterious people not because you like mystery but because it’s easy for you, way too easy for you to break down people’s walls, for you its a sport even and ….. wait, don’t punch me, it’s a bit sadistic, I like it.” “ouuuu Therapist TJ “ – i said, i was mocking him, I hate this guy, he was too smart, too good looking, too deep, too….. sinful. “Two..” – TJ said and continued “I will bet a year’s salary that you stay wet all through sex” –
I was uncomfortable now, this man was getting under my skin, he knew me, knew I was not the type to fall for flashy shows of wealth or manly bravado, I was a sapiosexual, you have to truly fuck my mind before you fuck me. It was the only way and he was doing a great job.

The long stares, the compliments about my hair, the conversation that somehow moved from Mozart to jazz, to quantum physics, to climate change, to tech, literature, to mental health and traumas all in one freaking night. He was master at tonight’s game and i walked in like a little lost sheep. I thought, tonight was conversation only, get a feel for each other before we decided what to do with each other but no, he had plans already, he knew exactly what he wanted to do with me…for me… to me. “what are you thinking right now?’ – TJ asks. “fuck no, no way I am telling what I was thinking, there is no way I’m dropping all my cards on the table… I know he was right, save your judgmental opinions for your friends, I am only a control freak sometimes, besides who told you guys being a control freak is wrong, what is wrong about wanting to have every part of your life in order, what is wrong if you freak out when things are not going your way… Nothing. “Nothing” – I said. “I will tell you what’s on my mind though” – He said, those delicious lustful eyes breaking every wall faster than I could rebuild them. “I didn’t ask” – I said. I wasn’t going to let him talk me into more vulnerability. “Tell me, what did you hate most about school” – TJ asked, he was trying to change the subject, I know this move, it was a classic up & squash (I trademarked this name). Up & squash is where you get your prey riled up then act totally uninterested. Its a totally narcissistic move but all is fair in love and war, or so they say.
I played along, I needed to think about something else, this thought about how big TJ’s dick would considering he is 6.7 wasn’t helping, also not helping was the thought of whether we were going to have sex, the wetness in the thong I had on wasn’t helping, pretty sure everything happening to me at that moment wasn’t helping… “Earth to Ada, earth to Ada, tell me what did you hate the most about school? – TJ said, this naivety he was displaying, acting like he couldn’t tell that I was fighting some urge I had inside of me was out of this world. “What do you think about these people there” – he said, nodding towards a trio, two tables from us

I turned and looked at them – “the man is on his phone because he is completely turned off, that girl came with her friend because she isn’t attracted to the man, she is only here either because she is bored or she needs something from him. They will only have this drink and then they will all leave because they can all tell that this outing was a waste of all their time” – I said
Just then, the barman walks in and hands the bill to the man, two tables away. “You are good “ – TJ says. “what do you think of these ones behind us” – I asked. “erm, ok… he’s probably with his aunt or something… I think.” – TJ said. “Wrong” – I started to say – “a married woman with her boy toy, the face cap is supposed to be a disguise, probably bored in her day to day life, hence the need to stay here, I mean close to the stage, otherwise, they would stay close to the gate where it is darker”

He burst out laughing, then he coughed and I couldn’t help but stare at his perfect face. He looked perfect.

He coughed a bit, he had a smoked a bit too much. “sorry I said” – I was staring now, completely lost and he stared back “I hear you, Everything you aren’t saying, I can hear it” – He said. I was silent. “do you want another drink?” – TJ asked.
don’t say it, Ada don’t say it… “Are you going to fuck me ?” – I blurted out, he turned to look at me and he shook his head. “Yes I am going to, but first I have wondered all evening what your lips would taste like, I like the way you talk, I love the way your skin felt when I hugged you, can I kiss you” – TJ responded.
I didn’t wait for him to finish before jumping him, my lips eating up his, my hands around his head, probing his tongue with mine. Gosh, his lips were so soft, I couldn’t let go. “Let’s go to my place” – I said. “ok” – TJ responded.
We got to my place and i led the way in. “Welcome to my humble home” – I said.
TJ grabbed me and kissed, his hands grabbing my ass, his back slouched in half, I was on tippy toes. “I need to shower, I feel icky” – I said as I took off my dress.

I walked into the bathroom, and when I got out, TJ was on the bed, smoking a cigarette I left on the table.
I laid beside him and he started kissing me, his hands squeezing my soft skin, pressing me hard against him like he expected me to melt some more. “you are so fluffy” – He said as he began to lick my neck, his hands playing with my nipples, I held his head, looked into his eyes and said – “I want you to fuck me, no questions asked, don’t be nice, pound me till I cum”. His eyes widened, he was ready to play.
He got up, grabbed his side bag and brought out a pack of condom, he put one on, spread my legs apart and stayed on top of me, gave me a gentle kiss, touched my pussy and shook his head. “You just showered and yet see how wet you are, I am right, you get wet, wet” – TJ said, his hands strolling through my nipples to my mouth, straight into my mouth, my tongue circling his fingers, licking, sucking… my breast soft, nipples hard, fluffy body pressed against his skin. “Take me daddy, take me please” – I said.
TJ shoved some horse stick inside me and I could swear, my breathing ceased. he took it out with the same brute force as when he put it in. “Ohh, gawd, fuck, oh fuck” – I yelled. “ssshhhhh, babe, it’s 2…” Tj was saying as he pushed his dick back in again “am..2am babe” – He was talking and pounding me just as I asked. “ohh gawd” – I was moaning, my breast pressed against his body, my hands wrapped around his back, my body exhausted already but yet craving more. This was too much, he was too much. “in-out, in-out, like a long pipe a plumber was trying to fit into a tiny hole, soaked dripping wet pussy clinging to that dick, I was milking it. dick out, my titties in his mouth, one nipple, soft lick, tongue grazing, that look to check if I like it, my head was thrown back in pleasure, second nipple, ohhh fuck, that’s my favourite, circular licks now, then grab both of them and stuff it into his mouth. “ohh gawdd, leave me alone, you bad, bad man” – I said, I didn’t want to be left alone, I wanted to be fucked. I wanted him to fuck me.

He stopped and turned me around , I arched my back at an angle like a tigress crouching to catch her prey. That was when I saw it, this monster cock this beautiful man was fucking me with… I touched it, “do you like it” – he asked. I shook my head and braced myself.
Long, big, thick cock going in and out of my pussy, pushing in air and dragging out wetness with every thrust. He grabbed my hip with one as he smacked my ass with the other, my wet pussy getting wetter with every motion. He slid his right hand up until he was cupping my breast in his hand, gently squeezing and running his finger over my hard nipples as he fucked me. I grabbed his arm and pulled his hand away from my boobs and placed on my clit nudging him to rub on it so i could cum
I could feel every soft, plush stroke as both finger and dick pleasured my pussy. “Ohhh fuck”- i yelled as TJ pulled my hair, he dragged me back towards him forcing my pussy to take in all his cock, his tongue plastering long wet kisses on my face, ears, back.
He was choking me now, fucking me like an animal, asking me if i wanted him to go harder, who my daddy was. I couldn’t breathe, both my holes had been shut. Mouth stuffed with fingers, pussy stuffed with dick. My knees were weakening. I pushed my ass, wetting that dick, taking it, ass clapping as it moved, body quivering from pleasure, moans and screams rendered the air. I was being pounded, good dick shoving in and out of me.
Then come the Slow thrusts, he leans forwards, half-turns my face and kissed me, Our mouths mashed together as we joined in a lustful embrace, our hands travelling each others bodies as we were grinding on each other, his soft hands drawing lines on my clit while he kissed me.
I was soaking wet and groaned as he resumed fucking me again, he began with slow strokes until the full length of his hard dick was enveloped by my warmth. i turned around and saw him throw his head back, he paused to enjoy the feeling before fucking me faster and harder, his thick cock pushing deep on each thrust. “Ohhh fuck me, fuckk meeeee”- i was yelling, it seemed like I’d explode. I gave a loud groan as I climaxed.

The Yahoo Yahoo Series – Her Side

Heartbreak comes to you irrespective of size, status or faith. It breaks you apart from the seams and stands aside to watch you as every iota of your You-ness dissipates. “We are so sorry for your loss”- Agatha and her husband said. I nodded but I couldn’t remember what else they said.
I was scanning the room, watching people as they laughed, eating the pie some of my neighbours brought. My eyes caught John’s sister in the corner, she sat on a chair close to some of Johnny’s colleagues, she looked twenty years older, I guess pain does that to you.
I turned my face as I saw Zach running across the room with his best friend, oblivious of what had befallen us.
Suddenly the room fell quiet… Even Zach had stopped running, I turned to look at the door to see if someone just walked in but there was nobody there.
It had dawned on everyone amidst the food and laughter, the reason why we gathered. The solemn look on their faces showed that my husband Johnny was loved by many. “I am so sorry for your loss” – sandy my neighbour said, a fake smile on her face. I wondered if she ever cried, she seemed to have it together all the god damn time. “He was such a sweet man Liz, may his soul rest in peace” – Anne said, she was a sweet lady and at one point, I felt she was coming onto John.
As they walked away, all I felt in my heart was anger, I was angry at John; I had begged the bastard to not leave me alone with our children. We were in our 50’s and we recently adopted Zach (6) and Emily (5) after many years of trying. How would I cope without him? A tear escaped my eyes and Emily stretched her hands to wipe it off. “Don’t cry mama, I love you”. All these time, she was seated there, somehow sharing my pain but I didn’t even know. I couldn’t remember anything, pain and heartbreak had torn me apart and I wasn’t, couldn’t think straight. “I love you too” – I said.

“Would you like some tea” – Anne asked. Since john’s passing three years ago, we had gotten close. At every time when I had thought to take my life, she was always at the door, ringing the doorbell persistently and asking me to taste some new recipe she just made. It got to a point; I had to ask her if she had a camera in my house. “I just don’t want you to be alone” – she would say “I know what it feels like to lose a partner, I have been here, where you are right now, I know the things I thought about, I gave up, life meant nothing anymore to me” – Anne said, she sought to bring me calm but I just wasn’t in for it.
I was stressed half the time; before john passed away, I didn’t have a job. With his passing, I needed to get one to cover our mortgage payments and the children’s fees. It was hard, really hard without John and many times, I thought to just end it all.
Anne was a big help, she helped watch my children and never complained, she could somehow tell when I needed to rest and she would show up at my door, candy in hand, ready to whisk the children away to her place. She was truly God- sent.
Eight months after I fully paid off our house mortgage, Anne introduced me to a phrasebook page she was on. She was so into the social media scene and was always going out on dates, I, on the other hand, felt old and rusty, which is why a couple of months later when Daniel a Soldier stationed in Africa began to pay close attention to me, I fell hopelessly in love with him.
He would write to me every morning before setting out for work, he was very good looking and I always wondered what he saw in me. He was very caring, very kind, and would always ask about my kids, something I knew would make most men his age uncomfortable.

Daniel was just 38 but we shared a very close bond, he would send me pictures of his you know what and he would request that I send mine. He was so in love with me, he would tell me “I love you very much Liz, I don’t want to cheat on you, you are so beautiful, you have a great body” – I knew I didn’t have a great body, I was 55, I’m white, my boobs are saggy and barely have any fat left in them, my vagina… ooh that’s a story for another day. Every time I finished speaking to Daniel, I always felt great, it was like the world revolved around me, it was usually a brief call because he was such a busy man, he would say “I just called to tell you how much I love you, I have to go now babe, Duty calls”
I was so proud of him; he was the best thing to ever happen to me. I laughed more now; I would go out to the salon just to get my hair done, so I could send him more sexy pictures of me. Even Anne and my children could see that I was happy. “Hi babe” – Daniel said, one day.
“Hey” – I replied, Daniel, had a deep middle eastern accent and one time I asked him, he said it was because that’s where he had worked all his life.
“I want to ask you a question” – Daniel said, he sounded serious and my heart began to race, was he about to break up with me, I thought.
“Can I trust you”- Daniel asked
“Yes my love, you can” – I said. “So a couple of my fellow soldiers stationed here with me, we have been doing some work on the side, it’s totally cool and we are allowed to. Africa has a lot of ornaments and precious stones and during some of our work; we pick them up from the floor and ship it out when the supplies chopper leaves to get more supplies. I love you Liz and I was thinking instead of receiving the payments while I am still in Africa and not being able to access it, I want all my payments to be sent to you. You will be my wife soon, and I want to know I can trust you with everything I have” – He said.

I was shocked, how can one man be so loving, I finally found the strength to ask “did you just say, I’ll be your wife soon? “Yes babe, send me your full details and I will have them reroute my payments directly to you, if I need anything I will let you know”. During the year, I received over six million dollars on behalf of Daniel, I was happy he was such a hard worker and knew not to just rely on military benefits, his entrepreneurial spirit made me love him all the more. Whenever I received and sent money to Daniel, he was always so appreciative, such a humble spirit he had, always showering me with new gifts, even when I refused, he would say, babe, take this money, use that to make your hair, I want you to look beautiful all the time or I saw this bag on Amazon, take some money out of what is left with you and buy it, I want to make your friends jealous.
We were supposed to finally meet one December and while Daniel was at the airport, his platoon commander asked him to come back immediately and they left for another country, he was distraught, he spoke to me for over ten minutes and all he did was cry, we both did. We were looking forward to this trip; I had about three hundred thousand dollars I received on his behalf that we planned that we would use when he arrives in the US.
I didn’t speak to Daniel for over two weeks after then, I still had his money with me and then one day he writes me that they had been fighting African terrorists and he had lost some of his mates. Things went back to normal for about three months and then Daniel tells me he has an opportunity, he said he found an African trader who was ready to sell him a large number of ornaments and precious stones and that he needed a loan of four hundred and fifty thousand, he was my man and up till that moment, he had never asked me for a dime but had showered me with gifts and even helped me change my car at some point.

I went to the bank and I took out a mortgage and I added it to the money Daniel left for me and I wired it to him in Africa. A couple of days later, he sent me pictures of lots of precious stones, he mentioned he had gotten a better deal and bought way more than he anticipated and that the payment for shipping was incomplete. Again I went to the bank and took out a second mortgage at a hundred thousand dollars. I wanted to so much to support him as he had done for me.
I took out fifteen thousand to settle some renovation work I needed to do and I sent the remaining eighty five thousand dollars to him. We had a real connection, Daniel and I. it was so real and even though we were yet to physically meet, our love was true.
About two months later, Daniel said he was going on a tour to a different country and that our communication would be limited, I didn’t mind as this had happened before and he would usually write me once he returned. Three days into Daniel’s new tour, the blares of police sirens woke me, I looked out through the window and there was scores of police vehicles lining up outside my house, I was confused and I felt something had happened to Anne. “Police open the door” – I heard a cop say; oh gosh, they were at my door, there must be some kind of mistake I thought.
I rushed down the stairs, my daughter Emily calling out to me “mama”, “go back in honey” – I said, I had barely opened the door when a group of cops burst into the house

“On the ground, on the ground now” – They screamed, the flashlights almost blinding my eyes. “what’s going on? You have the wrong house, my name is Elizabeth Howard” – I was yelling “is anyone else here, is anyone else here” – some cop was asking.
Shouts of “CLEAR” rendered the air, I was confused, Zach was walking down the stairs, he was crying, Emily was with him. “don’t come down here honey, stay there” – I said. “Mama, I’m scared” – Emily said. A female cop walked the stairs to meet both of them, and she took them upstairs. “Hands behind your head, You are under arrest Elizabeth Howard for Fraud” – One of the police officers said, “Fraud?? You have the wrong person, I have never defrauded anyone in my life” – I was screaming, hot tears gathering on my face, I didn’t know what was going on? “Hands behind your head ma’am” – the cop said as he put the cuffs on me and began to lead me outside.
“you have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law, you have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford one, one will be provided for you…..” this cop was reading out my rights, I was so embarrassed, Anne was standing outside, the look of shock and bewilderment on all my neighbours face. “Anne, please help me care for Emily and Zach, there has been a mistake” – I yelled out before getting into the police vehicle.
I did three years in the state’s minimum facility for aiding and abetting fraud, I only got that because I had no criminal record.

Throughout my trial, Anne tried to reach Daniel but he was gone, just like that, completely disappeared from the face of the earth. Turns out the pictures he sent were not even of him. I HAD BEEN SCAMMED! Two years of my life wasted on a person that wasn’t real, I tried to prove to the court that I was a pawn and I was also scammed but that only fuelled the prosecution as they maintained that I spent some parts of the monies I received on personal expenses.
I’m out of prison now, I am 60 years old, I am a dishwasher at the only restaurant that would accept ex-felons, I have lost my kids and my home had long gone into foreclosure, I also owe the state over four hundred thousand dollars in legal fees and part of the money Daniel reportedly gave to me.
Tell me what did I do wrong to deserve this?
Tell me who I raped and pillaged to deserve this?
Is it wrong to love? Was I wrong?

The Yahoo Yahoo Series – His Side

“I don’t love you anymore” – she said. “Amaka’s boyfriend just bought her an iPhone and the person I’m seeing right now, it will take one million years before you can use an iPhone not to mention the time it will take before you buy one for me, I’m beginning to look like a laughing stock, all my friends are always hanging out, you wear the same shirt every day, you don’t take me out, all we do is sit at home, the other day I asked for common 20k, just 20k ooo, you refused to send, you flash me instead of calling, if I ask you for airtime now, you will start with – babe, you know I don’t have it. Oga abeg shift, that’s how the other day, you were….. I drowned out her voice, my eyes fixed on the wall in front of me, I could see her pacing but I wasn’t looking at her. She was tired, she had mentioned it 100 times, but I was in love, I had invested too much time, too much money, every dime I had saved, I gave to her but nothing would satisfy her. “I’m done” – she said. I have heard this so many times in the last few months. “I regret wasting my time with you’ – she continued.
Every artery in my body said get up and beg, just like you used to but I was tired just like she was. I heaved – “aren’t you going to say anything?” she asked, poking my shoulder. “I knew it, I knew you were cheating on me, you can’t wait to get rid of me… anyways I’m dumping you before you dump me” – she said, grabbed her bag and left.
Hand over head, the pain suppressed all these months slowly rising to the top like bubbles on beer. ‘AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH” – I screamed. “Calm yourself, be a man, men don’t cry” – I said to myself. My mind raced, fists clenched, anger surged, headbanged and only the ringing of my phone brought me back to reality. “Hello mama” – I said into the receiver “Daniel, your father is in the hospital, they said we must deposit 350,000 naira before they can treat him, they are saying he might have a stroke, a brain haemorrhage….” I burst into laughter, laughing so loudly, you would think I had just won a million dollars “Hello, Daniel, my son, what is funny?

“Hello, Daniel, my son, what is funny? Are you ok? You are scaring me, please come to the hospital now, we need to help your father.” – my mother said.
I ended the call but the laughter didn’t stop, it came from a place of pain, it was the last straw that preceded tears, tears so hot, it burned my skin.
I sat on the floor crying. My sick father had spent all his life working for the government only to end up with 5 graduate children who can’t get jobs and no pension money because some government official decided to forcibly use (insert steal) people’s pension money for his personal business. My mother worked at a primary school just to earn a salary that could barely feed all 7 of us. As a graduate, I have done every type of menial job in the book, my last job as a waste disposal temp staff ended abruptly when the supervisor’s brother was in need of a job, I was the only one that was of a different tribe so I was sacked. “Get up, be a man” – I thought but then spoke out loud “be a man? How? A broke man? A nothing man? What kind of man?
I remembered the friends I went to university with, and how everyone had built their own homes. I couldn’t even afford to buy a new phone, the current one was held together by a rubber band.
The laughter came again before I said “I wonder what Tonia saw in me in the first place? I can fuck though, I’m sure the sex kept her. Dude, don’t deceive yourself, you always knew this girl was way above your league, you fucked her into loving you” – I was speaking to no-one, just busy confronting my truth.

“All the tongue swipes up and down her clit, her head pinned to the bed, ass in your face while you ate every bit of her pussy and ass up, staying there with wetness gushing down your beard, forcing every emotion she owned to want you, for her to never forget you, every thrust was manipulative, you wanted her to stay more than anything because to you she was the first thing you got right”

I laughed some more as my truth stared me in my face, It was true, you can fuck a woman into submission, into love, but you cannot force her to stay, then the tears flowed again. My phone rang again: “Hello, guy. How far na? – eddy said “Haa Eddy, wow, how did you get my number? – I asked “Guy wetin dey go on, Your mumsi just call my mum, she been dey tell her, your dad dey sick, and they need 350k. She say she call you say you just dey laugh, so I asked her to send me your number” – Eddy said.
I heaved. “Guy Talk to me, daniel what’s happening? Ok, you know what, send me your account number make I send the money for you, first go attend to your pops, then call me make we link up” – eddy said and hung up.
5 months have passed, my father was now an invalid, couldn’t eat, shit or piss on his own. Eddy was sending monthly upkeep money to help out with some of the expenses, but my family was in so much debt, we were going to drown in it.
I called eddy “Please help me” – I said and continued “Whatever it is you want, I will do” – I was desperate, I didn’t even say hello or wait to hear his. I had nothing left, I was the first child and everyone looked up to me. “Come house make we reason” – eddy said and hung up.

I moved in with eddy, we were about 13 boys, he rented a duplex where we all lived out of, he ensured we were well fed and there was always lots of girls, my high libido was satisfied by a different woman every week, everything we wanted we got. I had threesomes and tag teams and fucked any girl I wanted in any position I wanted.

We each got a laptop and we had different segments, everyone had what they did, we had boys who hacked company accounts, those who pretended to be gay, those who went on BDSM sites looking for cash pigs, those who pretended to be soldiers in Africa fighting the insurgents and looking for love. I was one of such soldiers, I would go on popular social media platforms and search for older women, we targeted widow groups, Eddy taught us everything, whatever money you got from your victim was shared in 75:25 ratio, eddy kept 75. Nobody complained we were all desperate young men, we needed the money, we had mothers, wives, children, siblings to feed. Our country had failed us, there were no jobs, you were rubbished by everyone including the police if you were broke. Eddy moved around in a convoy of policemen, no-one dared to talk to him disrespectfully, policemen bowed till their heads touched their knees when they greet him, girls wanted to be around him all the time, his mother drove the choicest car and didn’t have to wonder where her next meal was coming from.
All 13 of us were going to work under eddy for 2 years, learn the ropes of the trade and then we would be free of him, Eddy was our hero, many men I respected, paid homage to eddy, he broke the shackles of poverty in their families. To everyone, Eddy was God.
He would say ‘don’t let anybody deceive you that what you are doing is bad, we are the white people’s karma, even the bible said, the sins of the father would be visited upon the children up to the fourth generation. We are their punishment for the crimes committed by their fathers, when they pillage the homes of our ancestor, raped our mothers and young girls and forced our fathers to watch. when..

When they forced us to do what they wanted or die, they left their land, seeing that we were ignorant and did not think – ohh let’s go help these people, instead, they stole every and any resource we had and killed those who stood in their way”
For someone leading this mob of fraudsters, eddy was very religious, we never missed church and we never failed to pay our tithe. The church even appointed him as a deacon, he declined because he didn’t want to be forced to sit in front of the church every Sunday.
When eddy spoke, you could hear that this was something he had thought about in detail, he would continue with: “they came to corrupt, steal and destroy because after they left, the self-appointed leaders saw it fit to follow in the white man’s footsteps because they didn’t see the white man suffer for his crimes. We are their Karma, we will pillage their women and children just like they did to us because God said, not even a fig of leaf falls from the tree, that I do not know about. You have been appointed by God himself to carry out vengeance for the African slaves, the ones who cried in the dark afraid of her white man rapist, the Igbo slaves who forced themselves to drown when they couldn’t let go of their dignity. Over 400 years they did this without any consequences. They taught our leaders how to steal and now that is all these ones know, they pushed us so far back to the wall, forgetting that when you get to the wall, you have nowhere else to go but forward. RIP THEM ALL, 70% of white people have generational wealth which they stole off the back of our ancestors, Take it back my brothers. Take that wealth back, it belongs to you not them. I schooled in the US, you guys know right? – eddy would ask, it was a rhetorical question. Sometimes we wondered why he did this type of business, he was a rich kid, his father was a businessman but they didn’t see eye to eye. “White people are inherent racists, they do everything they can to hide it, but they do not like your black skin, they don’t want you to succeed, they need to keep that divide to ensure they are a more superior race.

Take It jor, collect everything they have, let them cry. Our ancestors cried too only to be whipped further into submission. Take everything they’ve got until they bleed. Their fathers are the ones to blame.
He was right, we deserve to feed too, our father’s fathers were placed at a disadvantaged point, they stood no chance, which black family has wealth passed down to them from the days of old. They strategically wiped away every and any chance for black people to succeed. In cases where black people started thriving, they razed the neighbourhood with again, zero consequences. Go read about Tulsa, it was the most thriving black community in 1921 dubbed the Black Wall Street, eddy told us this story. Over 300 killed and an entire community destroyed just because, wait for it, just because white people couldn’t stand to have black rich people existing in the same day and age as them.
Eddy’s stories always left me pumped, I was ruthless and precise, I did everything and made eddy a shit ton of money. Its been 8 years now, the government introduced an arm that is meant to catch thieves and fraudsters, they call it FGDD, humour me please, How do thieves create an organization to catch thieves. Exactly, the same thing I thought.
In 6 years, I have removed at least forty-seven boys from the poverty quota, five of them, I know attempted suicide before I found them, I have built schools, a hospital named after my dad and my old mum doesn’t have to work another day. We share food and money every month to the widows and children, I can’t count the number of children i have paid school fees for. I have done way more than any government official has done for me or for anyone i know and yet you say I am bad, that i am scum and that i ruin people’s lives. What have I taken that didn’t belong to our ancestors. You clamour online requesting that I be hung, but forget so quickly the thieves that sit in your highest offices. You revere them, respect them, bow your heads till it touches your knees because of the peanuts they throw your way.

You forget, forget so quickly, that these people, in fact, one of them stole the money meant for paying the doctors in that hospital and that is why your father died when the hospital was on strike, another one of them stole the money meant for road repairs that caused the gridlock that made your wife lose her baby because you couldn’t get to the hospital on time “we are sorry, if you had been 20 minutes earlier, your son would be alive’ – That doctor told you as if it was your fault, but No, it wasn’t. It was that thief, yes the same political thief you stood at attention to greet, your hands raised above your head like you are praising God, Your shouts of baba agba and chairman louder than the alarm on my clock, It was his fault, if he had fixed the roads, you would be cradling your son, but no, you didn’t ask for his head. You want mine, I buy so much food from that restaurant you work in and that’s why your boss hasn’t shut down, I keep many of you in jobs with my contributions to society, I help your distant cousins with money, the ones you can’t be bothered to think about because you have too many problems of your own. I even help the women you break their hearts, I fuck them, give them good money then erase the hurt and pain you left them with, that is why you are walking around without a curse on your head.
What have you done for anyone?

As Your Lordship Pleases

I got tired, at some point, I said FUCK THIS. It hurt, still do. It’s a constant reminder that so many things I tell myself that I’d be, I’d do are nothing but words in my head.

It gets innately tiring, you sit, you watch, the clock ticking your life away, you pause, your pulse, slowly charging your blood to flow freely, just to remind you that you are still alive.
Is this what I have become, a weakling, slut, trash, ugly, fucking, depressed, maniacal people pleaser. Do I have no respect for myself. At what point in my life, did I break. I used to think that if I could just remember what point my whole life turned around, maybe I would be more closer to healing. Maybe I could find a way to banish that memory and I could get closer to healing, but too many bruises and scars, I don’t even remember which came first.

I think I stopped growing at 17, maybe even less, I’m childish, I throw tantrums, I breathe, shake it off, then cry only to feel some type of pain forcing itself on me. “who are you, what are you?” – I would ask no one, the crickets in the dark chirping my secrets to each other. Then Silence… Silence that deafens, hand over mouth, screams trying to escape between my fingers but I’d shove them back down my throat. “Big girls don’t cry” – I’d say.

I have been so dependent for as long as I can remember, weaning yourself off codependency as an alcoholic depressive is a whole nother work on its own.

Breathe, stay calm, pick up your phone, scroll, scroll, “ermmm not you, you bite my pussy the other day” “hmmm hi you, maybe this boy, no he doesn’t have sense”- scroll, scroll, scroll….
“hmmm you. Yes you, you talk a good game, let me see what that tongue can do”
Maybe you can fuck this sadness out of me.

Dials number “hi, are you home?,” – – – “OK I’m coming over”

Dressed in a summer dress, ass jiggling, heels clanking like a red light district slut. Glasses on with the thread holder , because no one sees glasses and think slut first, they think nerd with sexual appeal. 😋

Twenty minutes later, I’m sitted at this man’s house, watching him be nice, offering me what to drink. He’s trying to be cute and gentlemanly while all I thought about was how to get him to pound me. “Thank you” – I said as he dropped the drink on the table and resumed playing his video game.
Fair skin, hair cut, lips thick and pink… My eyes ran across his body, imagining the things I would do to him. “do you play video games” – he asked, cutting me short. “ermm what?” – I said, looking lost. “I said do you play video games?” – He repeated, a smile on his face this time. “yeaa, but not fifa, just games where they fight” – I responded…. “hmmm. Why so violent though?” – he asked, laughing, before he continued “do you like fighting?”… “Yes, I’m an expert of some sorts in online fighting and other types of fights” – I said, and closed my eyes halfway in some makeshift attempt at winking. “what kind, pray tell” – he said, this time pausing the video game.

I can show you if you don’t mind. I throw a mean punch.
“make a fist” – He says, his arms folded across his chest. I folded my palm; “see I’m not your mate” – I said.

He walks towards me, held my fist up and burst into laughter. “This is the most girly girlish hands I’ve ever seen, your stance is all wrong, you would have been beaten a lot in secondary school”… He said, he was mocking me. “haa. Me? I used to beat everybody both boys and girls (side note. Anybody that starts a statement with Haa me? Is about to tell a lie)

He sat near me now – in my head, I thought” oh yes better, I didn’t come here for a long distance relationship. “how was work during the week?” – “I was surprised to hear from you, today must be my lucky day” – He said without waiting for a reply to the first question. “Week was great and I was bored today” – I said. “How can I unbore you? – he asked, drawing air quotes when he said unbore.
He ran his hand behind the back of my neck, looking intently at me, as he waited for an answer..

I couldn’t answer before I found his lips on mine. Soft like melted butter, he kissed like he missed me, his hands patting my back, he was trying not to be too forward. “hey hey hey, what are you doing? – I said, amidst kisses.” I’m trying to spice up your life- He said and stopped – “I’m sorry, I have always wanted to do that, I’m sorry”. The respect was such a turn on. He continued – “if you say no, we could just play video games together and I can make you some noodles or order you some pasta, but I make the best noodles in the world… In Africa at least” – I watch this sexy man school me about consent “I respect women a lot, I was wrong but on gawd, I really want you. If you are uncomfortable with it, I’ll stop”. The more he talked, the more I zoned out, I could see the movement of his hands as he explained further on the respect he has for women and how consent was needed. I tried, mehn I tried to listen but all I could see was him on top of me, kissing me. “COME EAT MY PUSSY” – I said out loud, it felt like someone else said it. It came from nowhere, it was abrupt and the 1 minute awkward silence that ensued was laughable.

Once it dawned on him what I just asked, he said “come with me, I want to show you something”. He held my hands softly and made me walk in front of him, I walked slowly, I could feel his eyes on my back but I didn’t turn around. “Here” he said – as he opened the bedroom door. “This is where I’m going to eat you, I’m going to take off your dress, tie you to this bed and make you cum for the next 6 hours, you can’t scream, if you do, I’ll fuck you really hard, feel my dick” – he held my hand and put it on his cock.
“you see how big it is, I’ll push everything inside you, if you get too loud, do you understand?”. I was so turned on, all I did was nod my head like a little girl. “Now turn around, I want to take off your dress”

My dress dropped to the floor, I stepped out from it, my hand in front of me, covering my fat belly.

He knelt down and kissed my ass, taking big swipes off each cheek. My knees were almost caving, I felt like he noticed it too because he wrapped one of his arms around my legs and kissed every skin on my back, he would go all the way to the top, kissing my waist, back, my ass, in between my thighs, everywhere except my pussy. His tongue was extra wet, every swipe, sent chills up my spine. “babe” – I moaned… He didn’t answer, all he did was eat my ass, his hands on my fat belly serving as an anchor.
” ohhh gawd fuckkk” – I moaned. “don’t stop”. Then he stopped. “wait here” – he said. “ehh, what, why. OK sorry, I won’t be loud again, I promise, just don’t stop” – I was rambling. “I’ll be back in a minute” – he said as he opened the door and walked away.

I sat down, pausing to catch a breath, my pulse charging, sending blood to all the nether regions.

I came alive.
I wanted him.
I wanted nothing else.

The door opened. “Get on the bed” – he said as he increased the fan speed of the air conditioning.

I laid on the bed, my hand on top my stomach, I was hiding the bulge before he spoke to me. “Ada, I love your body, every inch”. He got up and spread my legs, he took off my heels, and put my toes in his mouth. Ohhh gawdddd, having your toes licked is a different sweetness on its own… He cuffed my leg to the bed, then the did the other, walked to the top and cuffed my hands. ” Are you comfortable?”- he asked.

I nodded.

He turned on the TV, grabbed a game console and started playing a game. “ermmmm OK????” – I thought “are you going to leave me like this?” – I asked…. SILENCE.

He dropped the console and laid in between my legs, “Don’t Scream” he said before his tongue plastered delicious kisses on my pussy, he slurped and ate every inch of my pussy. Tongue fucking me, stop, lick from vulva to clit, drop tongue on clit and lick in circular motions with his finger stuck inside me.

Ohh God I screamed, I yelled even… He got up, juices stuck in his beards, “Ada I said don’t scream, you are too small for me, you can’t handle this, if I fuck you, you might die, stop screaming, you are driving me crazy” – while he talked, his finger was shoving in and out of me, I kept screaming. He put his other hand on his mouth making a “silent” sign. “please daddy, ohhh fuckkkk, I’m tired, I want to rest” – I said.

In 6 hours – he said.

I kept screaming, this mad man Sani kept eating me. I couldn’t move, the bed was soaked, wetness dripped down my butt. When he saw, I was not stopping, he got down, wore a condom, came back on the bed, took off the cuffs and I bolted straight for the door. I was at the door when I realized it was locked. “are you done running?, Damn you are so cute. Look at you” – he smiled, his dick dangling in front of him as he came for me. “I’m tired, please leave me alone” – I said. “OK, OK, go and rest” – he said as he took off the condom.

I heaved a sigh of relief and laid on the bed, Sani waited until I was fully relaxed before walking to me. He stroked my hair and placed a kiss on my forehead.
“I’m tired, you promised to let me rest” – I said. “yeah, you can rest, he said as he cuffed my left hand, he got on the bed and cuffed my other hand. “i am tired” I kept saying. “let me rest for 5 minutes” – Sani didn’t bulge. He raised my leg up, licking my pussy slowly, kissing my thighs. He spat on my pussy, then plastered his tongue to slurp it up. “your pussy is so beautiful, gawdddd I could stay here forever” – He said.

I pulled on the sheets, wriggling my legs and thighs to try to break free, my moans getting louder with each lick.
He would flick his tongue from my vulva up to my clit, then press his tongue down hard to my clit, sucking on it like it had the elixir of youthfulness.

He got up, came up to my face and said
“kiss me like you missed me”

I kissed him passionately, my tongue running through his mouth like I lost something inside of it.

He licked the side of my face, then bit my lower lip. “kiss me again” – he said and I did… Licking his lips while his fingers flicked my hard nipples; long strokes on my nipples, as his tongue drained out my mouth. “Gawd, I want you, I want you so bad” – He said while he moved downwards and grabbed both my tits. “untie me” – I said, my eyes straining to catch his. Sani didn’t bulge, instead he took a big lick of my nipples, forcing both into his mouth, my big balloons pouring out from the side of his mouth. My body quivering, I held the sheets – “untie me please” – I begged.

He paid me zero attention, licking, sucking, slurping on my nipples. He was trying to force all of it into his mouth “please stop… don’t stop… please… stop.. please don’t stop… I… I…. Stop… Oh… Ummmm…. Fuckkk…. Untie… Un… Tie…. Mee..” Sani didn’t stop, he kept licking, he would stop, look at me, then take 4 slow licks with his tongue, the voraciously suck on my nipple, slow thugs, that send excitement down my spine. “I want you”- I said. “I know” – he replied, he was having fun, enjoying the hell he was putting me through.

He had me exactly where he wanted, Wetness dripping down my thighs, titties wet, face wet from slurpy kisses, want seeping through my pores.

Then he stopped, just stopped licking. Got up, took the condom out and started stroking his dick while staring at my now wet tits.
“Gosh I’m going to enjoy fucking you” – Sani said, his finger stroking my clit. “untie me please… Babe” – I said.

He didn’t respond, he grabbed a condom, wore it and cuffed my left leg, then the right. “I don’t want you kicking and fighting, while I’m making love to you”. He lowered himself onto me, his thick cock sliding through the wetness.. “ohhhhh fuckkkkk” – we said in unison.

Biceps on titties, heads bent in each other’s shoulders, dick sliding in and out of wetness, kisses slurp…. Slurp…. Hear the wetness spurting, kisses, then hard dick pounding in and out of me. “ohh fuck, Yasss zaddy, don’t stop, please”
. He had no intention to, I was his, to do with as he pleased.
“spread those legs for daddy” – he said as I was wriggling my thighs trying to break free.
I needed to hold this man pounding me. He fucked me, stopping halfway sometimes to kiss me, dick sliding in and out. Burp… Burp… Burp… Skin slapping skin…. “Fuck… Your pussy… I love this pussy” – Sani said, while pounding, slow thrusts, fast thrusts, hard thrusting, 180 dick roll that combed every wall. “ohh my gawd, daddy, fuck me please. I need this dick. I need it bad” – I said.

He took out his dick, slid down in one small swoop and licked my pussy, kissed my thighs, licked my butt, then ate my pussy, my wetness spilling to his face.
He tapped my pussy, slow soft tap, then spat on it before sucking me. “ahhhh…. I wa… I…. Ahhhh… Nooo… Sa… San… I…. Wannn… Don’t… Fuck… Stop…. Please…. Pleaseeee… Saniiii…. I’m…ohhh dadddyyyyy… You are fucking killing me” – I was going crazy, I screamed.
He stopped licking, stuck two fingers in my mouth while he stroked my pussy with his other hand.

I licked his finger, my tongue running in between the finger. “you are a bad girl, I love fucking bad girls” – he said, as soon as he took off his fingers and began to uncuff me..

Black Coffee

“can I have coffee, black?” I heard a baritone voice say behind me. The waitress looked at me and then her eyes glanced at the man behind me, she was letting him know that she heard him but that I was here first. I didn’t turn around, instead I continued placing my order” please make that 3 croissants please”- I said. “Wheat or?” – the waitress asked. “yuck” – I said and we both laughed.

As she packed my order; my mind drifted, I thought about how certain looks convey a thousand words, like just now. The waitress didn’t say anything to “Mr eau de parfum” behind me, all she did was look at him and I think I heard him murmur an “ok”, I’m not sure. It reminded me of a time when I was younger, I think about 6 or 7 years old, and a neighbour had asked me to go check what the time was, I went into the house and when I returned, I confidently said “the time is twelve three”. The time was twelve:fifteen, but i didn’t know that, I was young and in my defence, telling the time was not yet in my term schedule. It took only one glance from my waffarian mother to know that I would be dying from the strokes of cane, she plans to give me when my neighbour leaves, Just ONE look and my “dearth warrant” was signed.
My neighbour added more salt to my mother’s open embarrassment by telling us how her son was my age and could tell time perfectly, my mother smiled but when she looked at me, i knew, yes i knew in my heart that the world either ended or I would. Its a miracle I survived that day.
“ma, you can pay here” – the waitress signaled to me, as she punched in my order into the point of sale machine. “Hello sir” – Another waitress said. “yes, Hello, can I get Coffee, Black” – Mr Parfum said.

As I walked out of the bistro, Mr parfum said “Hello”, I smiled but I didn’t say Hello back.
The bistro was not far from my office so I walked, the morning sun melting my skin. A distant melody played in my head, it was a dirty song, very nasty song and I laughed at myself for hating the song yet remembering the lyrics. I guess my mum was right afterall, you always remember the bad things first. I laughed again, this time, wary of passers-by thinking, I’m running mad. I put my hand over my mouth, my lip gloss staining my palm, but the need to laugh wouldn’t go away, so i just let it out as I sang:
“I no know wetin I do, wey you pound me like fufu, you make my toto dey pain me, okogbolor, you are too bad. You fuck me too hard o, too hard, I no know Wetin I do, wey you pound me like fufu, you make my…” I burst into laughter, always hated the word T O T O, it was crass, dirty and just such a nasty pet name for vagina. While I struggled through holding back laughter and shaking my head vigorously so that I could forget this nasty song, a car honked behind me, i moved to the side of the road to let it pass but it slowed down. “Hello Beautiful” – it was Mr Eau de parfum. “Hi” – I said smiling, I was wondering if he had seen me acting like a mad person. “you are such a pretty girl” – he said. “OK? Thanks.” – I replied, I hated compliments, I don’t know what to do with them and frankly I don’t think I deserve them. “errmmm, I’m late for work” – he said, pacing his words. “ok, you shouldn’t be on the road then” – I said, matter of factly. “can i call you later?” – he asked. “how would you do that, do you have a spiritual message or voice transporter?” – I was being sarcastic. “Touché” – he replied and laughed. “My name is Obinna, what’s yours? Can I drop you off, so we can talk some more?” – he asked. “How am I sure, you are not a serial killer?” – it was rhetorical. “Waoh! OK, well I’m not a serial killer young lady, it’s just easier than talking on the road” – Obinna said and continued “can I know your name at least?”. “Ada, my name is Ada” – I said and I opened his car door and sat down, “that’s my office down the road”

“Thank you Ada for entering my car, now let me call the chief priest to inform him that the sacrifice is ready” – Obinna said, smiling. “That’s not funny” – I said, smacking him across the right shoulder. “Ouch” – Obinna chirped playfully. “so, Miss Ada, I’m going to drive at 10km/hr to increase my less than 1 minute with you” – Obi said. “OK? As far as I get to the office eventually” – I said and we both laughed.

Obi works as a financial analyst for a private equity firm, he came off as overtly confident and a bit too keen in my opinion.

When we got to my office, I gave him my card to which he responded “Thank God, I was about literally about to bring out my guns”. We both laughed before he drove off.

Four days had passed before obi called, I didn’t think about him that much, neither did I wonder why he didn’t call. Dating had become a chess game, it was a case of maintaining as much *aloofness* as possible. I don’t blame people who play the game, if you let yourself go, people take advantage of you. “Hello Beautiful Ada” – He said, as if he didn’t just go AWOL for days. “Hello who’s this” – I asked. “It’s your future husband” – Obi replied. “Sorry you have the wrong number” – I said. “Ouuchh, who hurt you Ada?” – Obi said playfully. “Well some of us learn from other people’s experiences, Mr Obinna–I said. ” so you do know who this is” – Obinna said. “Yes, your voice remains the same” – I said.

Obi was calling to schedule a date, dinner on Friday or Saturday. He found a new bistro he wanted to take me to. After all the sarcastic, pun – filled, word sparring, I finally agreed to let him take me to dinner today… ◽ ◽ 🔲 The dinner is at 7pm today… When I return, I will conclude this story.

This was the ______ date ever!
It was 7pm; I wore a thigh high side slit glittering dress because a bit of skin never killed nobody…
“Hello” – I said into the receiver, a couple of seconds after my phone rang.
“Hi Ada, I’m outaide” – he said, his voice feeling a warm palm on my skin.
I smiled “I’ll be down in a minute” and ended the call.

I walked to the tall mirror in my room, stretching my legs to ensure the slit showed the right amount of thigh. I ran my hands through my body, giggling as I thought about ‘black coffee’s’ hand on my body.
What’s a great date without great sex?

I got downstairs, walked to the car and there he was in all his 6 feet tall glory, fighting another driver who bashed his car.

I literally walked into a fight. Blows were flying left, right, center. I had to take off my heels, I ran inside to get my gate man, Mohammed to help me pacify this man but Black coffee wouldn’t listen, he almost punched Mohammed.

After a couple of minutes, other drivers intervened and the fight ended. This man turned to look at me, gave a big sigh, entered into his car and drove off!

I just stood there looking like a mumu.

This date was the worst date ever!
This was one of the reasons why I didn’t want to complete the story.

Do It Anyway

First, you jump off a cliff and build your wings on the way down, seems scary right? It was to me too, at first when I saw this quote, I thought who writes this shit! Everyone always trying to sound philosophical but yet they can’t invent anything. ⁠
Why in God’s name would I jump off a cliff when I know I can’t fly, let’s just say on this day I was really hungry and my brain wasn’t working at full capacity (so much for 10% usage)⁠
After a complete meal of Afang soup and pounded yam followed by a local beer ( not doing free adverts) … Yes, a local girl drinks beer… chop-chop, move it along and hold your beer belly snide remarks, let’s continue!⁠
I finally got it, it’s a different or edgier version of NIKE’s “JUST DO IT” and you know me I’m all for living on the edge. My derivation from this “quote” was, do it scared, do it weak, do it running, do it standing, just do it… you will die anyway (this is me adding a bit of dark humour not like I’m saying you will actually die). ⁠
When you are at that edge that seems like moving forward is deadlier than moving backwards. JUMP OFF THE CLIFF. Sometimes, we become our truest selves under the most intense of pressure. ⁠